Pouring it Out

Bad habits creep back quickly!  If you didn’t see my post earlier, we are in the middle of a snowstorm here in good ol’ Des Moines, Io-way.  So, with 30 mph winds and a windchill of -5 degrees after work, not to mention, the gym being closed and my alternative to hitting the treadmill was hitting these streets:

street 1

 

Well, instead of hitting up some awesome workout, I poured myself a glass of Cabernet that I got at my annual high school girlfriend’s Christmas party gift exchange (long name… we should really work on shortening that in the future girls! 🙂 )

And that glass, well, is now three glasses in.  I have been a saint in the past year.  I used to indulge myself with two or more glasses of red wine most nights until I took my training seriously for the Tucson Marathon last year (where I did set a PR, so… I think the self-restraint paid off… !)

I’m finding as I pour out the wine in the bottle, I am pouring more of myself out.  You see, I am very good at keeping myself locked in, in check, never letting emotion flow freely.  This is something I’ve taught myself, like a coping mechanism (see last NYE’s post).

As I am reflecting on this year and myself, I realize, now is the time to make some intentional decisions moving forward.  I can continue to be a shell of a person, or I can dive in.  Live life open and whole heartedly.

I may have met someone in the past 6 months that may be worth changing my tight, closed off world.  But, that’s a maybe.  Maybe means, I could end up hurt, once again.  By a stupid guy.  But, if I don’t take a risk, will I ever truly know?  Hmmph.  You see, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Or at least, that’s one way to look at it.  Or, it could be the biggest blessing of my life, just waiting for me to open myself up to!  And, I’m willing to take that gamble.

I know that I have my running to pound out the hard things.  Through running, I can sort through my emotions and keep myself as distant as I need to be, while I slowly, letting this guy, who could be amazing, penetrate my life.  I can still prove to myself that I am a strong woman, that I can conquer any diversity that comes my way while I tackle my workouts, while I take in the scenic beauty of an easy run, while I run with my friends and seek their advice.

Letting my walls down and letting people get close to me isn’t going to hurt me.  In the end, it’s quite the contrary.  If I don’t do these things, I will hurt me.  And, I’m willing to take that gamble and see where 2013 will take me.

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