My last post left it seeming as though adoption was the only road we were considering to expand our family.
Here’s the rest of the story.
While we decided to pursue adoption, we also decided that we would begin to try for a biological child as well. And, whichever happened first, we would be happy with. I wish I could write that I was as complacent and carefree as that sounds. I wasn’t. And those of you that know me, are probably smirking because you know I am someone who likes to feel a sense of being in control.
True to self, I became one of those women who became obsessed with cycles, timing and schedules to ensure that we would become pregnant first. I bought multiple versions of ovulation trackers and read text book style books on sure fire ways to get pregnant. I spiraled for about 6 months as it didn’t happen. I called my mom in tears when it became obvious that we hadn’t conceived again. It wasn’t fun and I certainly wasn’t fun to be around, although Josh is too kind to ever say that out loud.
As all of this was occurring, multiple friends and cousins posted their baby news on Facebook. It was heartbreaking. I don’t mean it in a jealous way either. It’s a heart wrenching situation where you find yourself so excited for those you love and so sad for yourself at the same time. It’s a sense of loss for something you never had, but so desperately want. It’s a sense of true joy for your loved ones as you share in their excitement of becoming parents. It’s a sense of fear that you will lose some of those relationships because you remain childless. I was stressed. I was sad. And, I knew it wasn’t healthy.
My attitude started to shift the closer we got to our adoption home study being finalized. That process was exhausting in and of itself- more about that in a separate post. But as it started to come to an end, I started to feel excited about adopting and knowing that child will be ours, just as much as if we had conceived naturally. For whatever reason, the more Josh and I talk about this dream, this desire, this hope to expand our family, adoption just seems to feel right. The whole time I was losing my mind, tracking cycles and following schedules to conceive, it didn’t feel right to me. Not to say that we are ruling that road out in the future, but here and now, our decision to adopt our first child feels natural. I can’t explain it beyond that.
This process to adopt- it’s messy. It’s hard. Most of the time, I feel as though I can’t catch my breath and I am certainly not in control of this journey either. But I have more peace about the direction we are heading now.