Fearless

It’s been a while since I’ve posted an update.  We took some time off from work to enjoy a vacation in Kauai with just the two of us…

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It was so great to get away.  As trite as this might sound, it felt good to get out of our house.  Separate my mind from the current status it sits in and the transformation that I want to begin to get ready for our child.  For 8 whole days, I didn’t stress or dwell on the pending adoption process.

We did a lot of activities to fully experience the beauty of Kauai from hiking through the rainforest and desert conditions on both sides of the island to viewing waterfalls from a helicopter.  On our last day, our adventurous side took us rappelling down a 60 foot waterfall.  I was so excited to not just experience something new that we couldn’t experience at home, but to experience this with Josh for the first time.  It was his excitement that drove me through any hesitations I had when we discussed whether or not to sign up for the tour.

It was a perfect day for the tour, sun shining, not too hot and not too windy.  We were lucky to be paired with just one other couple, so the tour guides were able to provide  personalized attention to each one of us.  I’m not going to lie or pretend to be brave.  I was NERVOUS after we received our introduction and “how-to” from the guides.  We complete a test run down a dry cliff before hiking to the waterfall and that calmed my nerves.  We arrived at the waterfall and I was first up.  Fearlessly, I walked to the edge and began the descent down.  Remembering the instructions the guides had given us and listening to the cues they were yelling from both above and below, I shuffled my feet and dropped my hips all the way down under the thunderous roar of the water pouring down on you the entire way.  At one point, it was enough to literally take my breathe away and I had to settle my thoughts and recenter before I could continue down.

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For the second descent, we moved to the other side of the waterfall.  I was full of doubt and fear as I latched into the harness and nodded my head to the last minute tips from our guide.  I stepped to the edge and slowly back to lower myself over it. I became gripped with fear and immobile.  I could hear the guide telling me where and how to move my feet, but I couldn’t do it.  I was frozen.  Looking up at him, I started saying “I can’t” over and over.  Finally, I reached up and hoisted myself back towards the top. After “negotiations”- ok, more like pleading “puh- leeeeez” on my part with the guide who was instructing me to keep rappelling down, for my own safety, he finally got more rope and rescued me, pulling me back up to the top of the waterfall.

As I sat there and contemplated what had just happened, the guide spoke truth to me.  He told me I was bigger than this fear.  He told me I just needed to get past the spot where I froze and I would excel to finish the 2nd run down.  He told me I was strong and this was not a feat too big for me to overcome.  I let it sink in.  I knew he was right.  I had a choice to make. And I completed the 2nd run flawlessly after all of that.

I was so embarrassed at my actions, at my inability to control my fear in that moment.  It was hard to focus on the bigger picture.  That I overcame that fear. I moved beyond it. And that makes me fearless.  To me, it was symbolic for where we are at in our adoption process. I have a choice to make.  I can wander my house in fear that we will not be matched with a child.  I can let fear overcome me and take my joy.  Or I can choose to be fearless. Moving ahead every single day, preparing for our child to enter our house- their home– and live with joy.

I choose to be fearless.

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