I haven’t posted an update in over a month and typically, that’s a strong sign that I am struggling. And frankly, it’s been a struggle.
We were faced with a potential opportunity to open our home to a baby girl that needs parents. I felt strongly it was meant to be- God was literally dropping this precious child into our home!
Needless to say, it wasn’t the door God opened for us, nor is it our child. In reality, due to legalities and regulations, we were never in a position to be that child’s parents. Nonetheless…
It broke me to say the very least. But, in true Nikki style, I stuffed the emotions deep down, put on a brave face, wiped a smile across it and kept going on day to day. That is, until I physically couldn’t any longer. I puked one night. Four times! It was awful. But, I will say, not as awful as finally feeling the emotions I stuffed deep down inside. That was awful. To feel. To be raw. To feel hurt and heartache for a child that was never ours to begin with.
What it did do, was show me what an incredible husband I have. He was there for me. He picked up my broken pieces and held them until was I ready to be put back together again.
It also opened our eyes that we needed to be more proactive and seek an agency that will put our best interests first and advocate for us. We have prayerfully considered different options and feel we are making the right move in our journey forward.
So now we wait for approval. Again. But somehow this time the wait isn’t bringing me agony. I am not anxious. I feel peace. This decision has finally brought me peace after weeks of internal turmoil. **I should note that the decision to consider different options is completely unrelated to the story outlined above**
I thought for a period of time during this past month that I was supposed to learn acceptance through this. As I read my daily devotion and listened to our local Christian radio station, it became glaringly clear. It isn’t acceptance. It’s surrender. It’s time to SURRENDER. Give it ALL to God. And REST in Him.
It won’t be easy. I’m treading into new territory. But it’s a turn in this journey I’m taking– cautiously optimistically.