Guess what!?! Nope, sorry, not that exciting news… but other exciting news :).
We are on the home stretch friends! We have submitted all the required paperwork- yep all 500 pages of it! Ok, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but seriously, check out this picture to get an idea of the insane amount of paperwork I am talking about!
And… keep in mind that this is round two for us. It has been a bit of a struggle, to say the least.
On top of gathering and submitting the required documents, I sat down earlier this week and calculated that I have been averaging 50-55 hours a week at my full-time job. Yikes! Including 3 trips to other parts of the US in the past 2 months. That’s not technically a lot compared to most people, but that is a lot compared to my travel history with my employer. All that to say this– I am tired! Sooooo extremely tired.
I will spare the details because this will turn into a novel very quickly, but once again… the journey to acquire and submit the required documents for our new agency was not without barriers. Sooooo many barriers.
I’ve been trying to keep my eyes focused on the prize… and I fall short. I am perfectly imperfect. I feel mentally unstable. I feel like this entire journey is breaking me. I feel defeated.
I’ve even started to have doubts about what type of mother I will be? What if we face all these barriers in our journey to be connected with our child because… we really were never meant to be parents?
What if… what if… I hate being a mom? I said it out loud. This question that keeps rattling around my head.
I’ve wanted this for so long and we are working so hard to make it happen and what if I find out I am horrible at it and I don’t like it? Or I don’t bond with our child? What if I am not made for what motherhood will require of me? What if I fall short?
I’ve always thought those things would come naturally… but now… the what if’s are creeping in.
Is this normal? Do mothers who are carrying their own children face these fears? Is this something unique to adoptive mothers? Or is it solely unique to me?
This week, I finally have a break in my work schedule and I’ve been very purposeful to carve out time for me. For my mental health and for my physical health. I can finally breathe. With the paperwork submitted, there is nothing left for us to do… but wait.
I have to boldly trust that God put this desire in our hearts because we are meant to parent a child that we just haven’t met yet. It’s the only way I am going to get through this. What I have been reminded of again and again and again throughout this past year, is I cannot go this alone. Without leaning on God, this process will break me. It will defeat me.
And time and time again, He has provided what I need at exactly the right moment. Last night as I was freaking out in my head and doubting our decision and doubting this process, my best friend calls to check in on me. As I’m on the phone with her, my other best friend sends me this text with the message that she is constantly thinking of and praying for me.
There is a purpose for our wait. I will be a better mother because of the patience I am learning right now. I will be a better mother because I am learning to love and lean on those who love me to get me through this process. I will be a better mother because this process has done nothing but strengthen my marriage with Josh.
It is still a struggle and I have a feeling that the struggle I feel we are in right now- this adoption journey- is the eye of the storm. Life is about to get even more crazy once we bring our baby home.
And I think I can finally begin to see that I’m going to be ready. for it. This past year has been a year of preparation. What we face from now until we see God’s plan for us unfold and we meet out baby will all be in preparation. Some of it I don’t understand right now. I will admit that. But I’m coming to understand that, as hard as it is for me to accept. I know I will understand it someday. And I will keep pushing forward for that day.