Josh and I recently got back from a much needed vacation. We realized that we have put our lives on hold for the duration of 2017 in anticipation of, the match for and eventually the fail of the adoption.
So, at the last minute, we made it happen. We went on our own private adventure.
It was exactly what we needed. To recenter on ourselves. To recenter on God. To recenter on the purpose behind our decision to adopt.
The thing that I realized during our trip, is that we are good at adventures. I mean, we are good together at handling new and unexpected things. We are good together in navigating unchartered areas. We are a team. We lean on each other. We build each other up. We support one another in the other’s weakness. Really, we thrive together in adventure.
So, it also hit me that this time of wait is so very hard… because we feel so very ready for the next adventure in our lives.
As our vacation came to an end, I fought back tears. I didn’t want to come home. I didn’t want to face my regular existence. To come back home to the status quo. Yes, I felt like a spoiled brat, crying on vacation because I have to come home to a life that really isn’t awful. We have many many blessings and many many things to be thankful for. And sometimes, the sadness and the grief of the loss we have experienced is so great that it overwhelms me and I lose sight of all that I have.
I am reminded of all the times in my life that God has made beauty out of ashes. In fact, one of the most profound examples of that is included in this blog post. The fact that God has blessed me with a spouse who lifts me up, who supports me, who thrives with me during unknown and difficult times. It is not lost on me what a blessing that is. It is also not lost on me that the wait I endured to be connected with Josh was long… and hard… and so very very worth it. I couldn’t see it at the time. Just like I can’t see it now. This wait will also reap a blessing that I cannot even imagine.
And so, it’s time to begin writing the next chapter. While the first chapter remains incomplete. It will never have an ending. That baby girl will always be our baby girl. I will always remember her. Picture her. Feel her. The milestones that pass as she grows older each month. I will always remember those days. And for the time being, I will mourn her on those days. I see it as part of the larger process of letting go.
And so… we continue down this journey to welcome our baby home. Preparing our hearts for what God has in store for our family.