Today marks the first birthday of the baby girl we were originally matched with.
It’s been an emotional roller coaster of a morning. I’m letting myself- actually giving myself permission- to feel all the feels. The rawness and the realness of it all is actually quite surprising to me. The rawness of the hurt and the pain that still exists. The realness of these emotions overcoming me.
And yet, through the tears -and the smiles -when I remember what it felt like to hold her and love on her, I am reminded of how faithful our God is.
Friends, I want to first thank you for your prayers throughout our adoption journey. Your support has lifted both Josh and I up during the most difficult time of our lives.
I have just recently realized how very depressed I have been this past year. To most of you who see me often, I’m sure you’ve witnessed it. Myself, however, I have been in denial. It has taken me a full year to process the loss we experienced last summer and I continue to heal from the trauma of it all.
I pray for that baby girl weekly. She is always at the back of my mind. She will always be in my heart. She is a part of our journey. Looking back now, I wouldn’t change a thing. As hard as it has been… I wouldn’t change it.
This experience has changed me. It has taught me to be fearless. It has taught me to be fierce. And to love my family both fearlessly and fiercely. And it has shown me, once again, that we do serve and love a faithful God.
As traumatic as the loss was for Josh and I, I know it was equally traumatic for the birth parents of that baby girl. I know because I watched them struggle with the decision to parent her from inside the same hospital room. I can’t help but wonder what emotions they are feeling today.
Yet, I have peace. That peace comes from the fact that I know she is so very loved. Her parents love her so much that they couldn’t place her with us.
I thought I would be bitter. I thought I would be angry.
Instead, I have so much compassion towards them and the decision they ultimately made– to love her.
And I can see now– God is and always has been in control.
So, I continue to pray. I prayed for her before she was born and I pray for her still. My prayer for the baby girl is that she is loved, that she will grow to know God and that God will watch over her. My prayer for her parents is that they will know God’s love, that they will raise their children to know God and that God will guide them.
When I wrote about the failed placement last summer, I wrote that I knew the best was yet to come. And I was right. This journey has brought us to our daughter- who so perfectly fits into our family, it’s crazy amazing. Like a missing piece from a jigsaw puzzle- she has filled the gaping hole in our hearts. I still stare at her in awe. I still have a hard time believing that she is really ours to love. But she is… because God is so so good.