I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13
In my last post I wrote that I am learning how strong I am inside. I am learning what I am capable of… and what I am not.
I am not capable of weathering this season of my life without God.
After our miscarriage, I fell apart. I can honestly say that it was the first time in my entire life that I questioned God. I mean, really questioned him. I could not pray. I could not listen to praise music. I could not step foot in our church. I was so angry with him. I lacked faith.
The failed adoption found me in quite a different position. After questioning God, I had learned to lean on him again. And in this new season of pain and hurt, I leaned on God. I felt like all I had left was my faith. And the hope that I have in God’s future plans for me is all that continues to pull me through each day.
In the week leading up to the baby girl’s birth, that awful week when the birth mom cut off all contact with the adoption agency and we were wondering if she would still place, I cried out loud in my worry and anxiousness that I was not strong enough to lose another baby- I did not have the strength to lose two.
The fact is, I’m not. I do not have the strength to keep the pace through this season on my own. But God… has the strength to carry me through. And somehow, in the midst of this crazy awful sad time, I’m finding the strength within me to put one foot in front of the other every single day.
I am learning that this event, this season… it will not be what defines me. Rather, I am discovering what I want this season to be defined as. It’s a work in progress and I haven’t quite arrived at the definition… but I know that when I look back at this season, I want to know that I came out of it loving my husband even better than I did before. I want us to be strong in our faith and in our relationship with each other. I know that I want to walk in faith.
Walking in faith is hard. Trusting God is hard. My struggle to do so often leads to discontentment. The exact opposite of what I so desparately seek. I’m working hard to find contentment in the season that I’m in right now.
In reality, everything is ok. I have a family with Josh. We are a family. In addition, I have my parents and my siblings and I have my friends. I have a job that I enjoy. There is nothing wrong in our lives. There is nothing to cause discontentment… and I am working to find contentment in that. To find contentment in the midst of this season of wait.
I haven’t found that contentment yet. But… I am finding myself in more frequent and longer periods of peace. In my head, I know that when I am faced with the moments where I don’t feel strong, everything is still ok. Because God is orchestrating others to pray for me and for us in those moments.
This morning, as I took time for my personal devotion, the author made a reference to what David wrote in Psalm 52 as he faced adversity.
But I am like an olive tree in God’s house. I trust the mercy of God forever and ever. Psalm 52:8
The author went on to explain… An olive tree is strong. When cared for… it can live thousands of years and be fruitful. And it’s a symbol of joy, peace and happiness. What’s interesting, is that an olive tree is completely dependent on its caretaker. It is not strong on its own. In order to thrive, it must depend on its caretaker to provide the right nutrients, water and climate.
God is the ultimate caretaker. I am not strong on my own. And yet, I have an ongoing and never ending struggle with trusting God completely. I will never perfect the art of trusting wholly and completely… because I’m only human. But it’s my desire to work towards it. It’s how I want to look back at this season. It’s how I want to enter the next season that stretches me.
God has placed this desire to expand our family through adoption on our hearts. We know that is real. And God will see this through to completion. In His time. As part of His perfect plan.
It definitely doesn’t look like what I pictured or what I had planned for us. And I will find contentment in that. We will be ready for the next season when it comes.